Mosab Al-Nomairy, a Syrian poet and journalist living in Toronto. He has written and edited for many Arabic newspapers and websites, in addition to publishing a book of poetry. Mosab is currently furthering his education in Political Science and Middle Eastern Studies at the University of Toronto.

After decades of humble and safe dreams, barely any have come true. We realize so as we reminisce about our innocent, naïve childhoods. Few of us became doctors or engineers and made their parents’ wishes come true, but are rather engaged in jobs and activities that they would describe as “barely making a living”. This misunderstanding goes beyond class and social differences, for there is a resemblance in the concept, stories and words used to describe it. This is about the “miscommunication” with parents, about the collective experience widespread across cultures and realms, though more so within our struggling, crushed nations that have been at the edge of the abyss ever since the beginning of their contemporary histories.

Many have attempted to oversimplify this struggle pervading every Middle-Eastern family by calling it “a generational clash”. This idea doesn’t hold up, especially as we cross into our thirties and begin repeating the behaviors that we once opposed in our parents, right before we start noticing these behaviors and attempt to change or reverse them. The irony is made clearer when both we and our parents, equally puzzled, become entangled with the confusing and pressing question like that in the spiderman meme: “why can’t you just understand us?”.   

To make this less confusing, it is millennials that I am speaking about and analyzing in this article, the generation which I belong to. I am referring to Syrians in general, and more specifically, to the liberated sons and daughters of this generation, as well as their parents, most of whom are refugees. This could partially apply to other Middle Eastern countries, which are similar in many ways, though differences that cannot be ignored remain.

These reflections are an individual attempt to better understand this issue. They are not dependent on research, study groups or data, but rather on personal opinions that can be subject to discussion, modification and addition. It is an invitation to contemplate what we are experiencing and what we may accomplish with our parents without breaking hearts and unneeded sacrifices. I am fully aware of the complexity and depth of this topic, however, I will lay out the essential features of these two generations by highlighting the circumstances through which they understand the world.  

The stone is tougher than the chisel

The generation of parents referenced here are those born in the 1950’s and 1960’s who were  raised amid transitional and turbulent times. Most of them became parents after dictatorial regimes took over their nations and transformed them into kingdoms of terror dominated by fear and dread. Take Syria as an example, where such terror became deeply rooted and touched every detail in our lives after the Hamah massacre of the eighties, which turned life into a nightmare. No soul living under that regime had any choice but to yield, kill any spark of initiative and refrain from critical thinking. This view slowly became a way of life. In the meantime, social traditions and customs, derived from authoritarianism, started planting roots with the intention of turning our society, politics, culture and religion ever more rigid.   

Few are the parents who managed to adopt values that would overcome such conservative barriers. To actually liberate oneself in any of the previously mentioned spheres would be through brutal battles and bloody confrontations. In these settings, a child’s behavior was measured according to concepts of shame and pride, sin and permissibility , or loyalty and enmity. As a result, the definition of a good son or daughter came to mean one who successfully avoided challenging any kind of authority, one who stuck to a plan that would limit them to a certain safe path. Parents’ expectations had come to revolve around compliance to such cruel standards to shape behavior and minimize awareness.

The “normal people” that parents take as models in their discussions today are anything but normal. It holds us up to extreme standards, and more importantly, it requires eliminating most of the talents and feelings that make us human. This perception is one of the main reasons for the conflict with the younger generation, whose unique experiences further contributed to this dispute. 

Following the revolution and the waves of asylum seeking it resulted in, the generation of parents suffered doubly. On top of their personal losses and living on the brink of a nervous breakdown due to all the killing and arrests targeting their children, they are also being uprooted through displacement, immigration, loss and harsh integration processes in new worlds and circumstances. Fathers and mothers in their fifties, sixties and seventies are being asked to absorb new languages, cultures and customs, despite their lack of flexibility and energy, especially after living through the traumatic and shocking experiences of the last few years. Admitting to the nature of these ruthless experiences, their impact on this generation and what remains of their resilience, is the key to fruitful communication. It is probably wise to ponder upon the repeated question “why don’t you get us?”, which all those parents direct towards their sons and daughters. This ever-widening gap between those generations is becoming more and more challenging to fill, as sacrifices and bargains are abandoned by both sides, sacrifices that resemble amputations without anesthesia.       

Stealing a Peak

Millennials in Syria witnessed one of the most isolated periods in their nation’s history. Many other middle eastern countries experienced similar circumstances under various authoritarian regimes. However, Syria and Iraq in particular were the two most secluded countries while under the rule of the Ba’ath parties. This generation was brought up on values of obedience, submission and strict discipline, in an environment where living conditions were very poor and opportunities scarce.

When it comes to Syria, the new millennium witnessed a limited and temporary amount of openness. It was enough for this generation to realize what they had missed in a world that was evolving dramatically. We would search through messenger and blogs to ensure we were on the map, and that we had a voice. A few years later, social media paved the way towards networking, socializing and becoming part of the global narrative.

The Arab Spring represented cutting the umbilical cord with the mentality this generation was brought up on. In addition to the political aspects, these revolutions carried cultural, gender, and technological dimensions that expanded the rebellion to confront all facets of patriarchy, repression and inhibition.

As these revolutions faltered and slid towards dead ends, immigration and asylum seeking escalated. Waves of youth left their nation overburdened with heavy feelings of frustration, defeat, despair and alienation from a society that resisted change. This deep wound amplified the sense of resentment towards all that had contributed to the destruction of their dreams, including the caring yet controlling voices of our parents. Phrases that urged obedience and incited guilt became especially irritating. 

Another struggle this generation faced in their new countries was having to start from nothing while attempting to comprehend the world and the self. Making the effort to adapt to their new surroundings, there was a need to create a new identity which prevented this young generation from dissolving in or rejecting their new world. This balance may seem problematic to conservative parents in that the arguments it brings about may appear as a clash between two worlds

As this generation digs deeper into the field of mental health, the abusive patterns of communication between parents and their children increasingly appear to be due to a lack of necessary boundaries. On the one hand, parents believe in playing safe and staying clear of conflict, as they have been accustomed to doing, while on the other hand their children are drawn to analyze, criticize, disapprove, challenge and experiment, rather than simply accept. These two conflicting approaches to life stand out in most conversations that people have with their parents. 

They Are Just Words

How can we communicate with our parents? Is there a way to gain their acceptance of our identities, beliefs and lifestyles without condition? Can we talk without the ghost of estrangement hovering above the horizon at every tantrum? And is there a space for bargaining as we seek a safe haven?

Many have chosen to break ties with their families, while others lead double lives. This happens mostly with women who choose to stop wearing a hijab or to identify with an LGBTQ+ group. This open war with one’s family and community can create a cruel reality full of sadness, pain and guilt.

Walking away and starting a new life is sometimes the sole option for some, as a result of fundamentally conflicting values to the point that leads to clear harm. However, witnessing some parents making an effort to discuss, inquire, understand and change, you can’t help but bow to their courage.

Who does not need affection and support from their parents?! We’re all seeking security and warmth in a world that is becoming less safe and increasingly complicated. There is a necessity for unconditional love and support as we confront obstacles and pick our battles. Yet, this love is not supposed to ask us to erase and change who we are to get it.  

We need to be able to fully comprehend the extent of our parents’ stamina and ability to find harmony. These compromises have to come from deep within us, from pure compassion and sympathy. Many parents were not responsible for their mistakes and lacked the right tools to change their realities, and thereby change themselves. To change as you get older is not an easy task. There is no need to take away all that they ever knew and completely overturn their world. We can try to explore and analyze with them, hopefully without pointing fingers. This approach requires much love and endurance.

On the other hand, our parents need to be aware of our psychological state in our dilapidated homes and cold exiles. We lost the most valuable things: our dreams and our friends. We are missing what makes it a struggle to carry on: energy and determination. And we are reliving everything you have been through, and weren’t able to understand or express: nightmares, panic attacks and chronic stress.

In addition, we all carry our emotional baggage and PTSD as our irrevocable souvenirs from our dying countries. Did I mention the piles of documents, files and responsibilities that require an exhausting amount of attention? Today, our generation is on a mission to heal, gain stability and find meaning. We need to redefine all of our inherited beliefs, notions and taboos with the hope of ending this subconscious guilt, shame and never-ending self-blame.

Taking all the above into consideration, it is no longer healthy nor helpful to focus on condemning our behavior for its inconsistency with our parents’ vision. To actually worry about “what others might think” is not an acceptable subject matter. The “others” are preoccupied with their burdens and have lost any control they ever possessed in this new reality. And whatever shred of “society” our parents are still fighting to keep alive has been pushed off the face of the earth by the same tanks that forced us from our homelands. Personal freedom is the cornerstone we wish to obtain. Condemnation must fall on those who infringe on this freedom, not those who safeguard it and exercise it as a right.

It’s become clear to many parents that oppression and coercion will only lead to pain and harm. Communication between them and their sons and daughters should not be based on a war of wills. There is no shortage of words to permit a meaningful discussion, all we have to do is focus on what really needs to be taken into consideration and what does not. Disagreeing is not the end of the world. The world is getting colder every day, and the warmth a family provides is irreplaceable.